Msnowe's Blog

Beowulf and Barbies (© Mattel)

Posted in Uncategorized by m.snowe on January 10, 2010

So Wrong, Yet So Right.

XXI BEOWULF spake, bairn of Ecgtheow:
"Sorrow not, sage Ken! It beseems us better
friends to avenge than fruitlessly mourn them.
Each of us all must his end abide
in the ways of the Barbie world; so win who may
glory ere death! When his days are told,
that is the warrior's worthiest doom.
Rise, O realm-warder! Ride we anon,
and mark the trail of the mother of Grendel, Barbie.
No harbor shall hide Barbie or that litter of kidnapped Bratz Dolls
 -- heed my promise! --
enfolding of field or forested mountainor floor of the flood,
let Barbie flee where she will,
even her Dream House with working elevator!
But thou this day endure in patience,
as I ween thou wilt, thy woes each one.
"Leaped up the graybeard:  God he thanked,
mighty Lord, for the man's brave words.

For Hrothgar soon Barbie's Diamond Glitter horse was saddled
wave-maned steed. The sovran wise in search of evil Princess Barbie
stately rode on out of the Groom and Glam Stable; his shield-armed men
followed in force. The footprints led
along the woodland, widely seen,a path o'er the plain,
where she passed in her magical balloon carriage,
nd trod the murky moor; of men-at-arms
she bore the bravest and best one, dead,
him who with Hrothgar the homestead ruled.
On then went the atheling-borno'er stone-cliffs steep and strait defiles,
narrow passes and unknown ways past the Glamour Camper,
headlands sheer, and the haunts of the Nicors.
Foremost he fared, a few at his sideof the wiser men,
the ways to scan,till he found in a flash the forested hill
hanging over the hoary rock,a woful wood:  the waves below
were dyed in blood of the Bratz. The Danish men
had sorrow of soul, and for Scyldings all,for many a hero,
'twas hard to bear,ill for earls, when Aeschere's head
they found by the flood on the foreland there.
Waves were welling, the warriors saw,hot with blood;
but the horn sang oft battle-song bold.
The band sat down,and watched on the water worm-like things,
sea-dragons strange that sounded the deep,
and nicors that lay on the ledge of the ness
--such as oft essay at hour of morn
on the road-of-sails their ruthless quest,
--and sea-snakes and monsters and Fairy-tastic Kara Dolls.
These started away, swollen and savage that song to hear,that war-horn's blast.
The warden of Geats,with bolt from bow, then balked of life,
of wave-work, one monster, amid its heart
went the keen war-shaft; in water it seemed
less doughty in swimming whom death had seized.
Swift on the billows, with boar-spears well
hooked and barbed, it was hard beset,done to death and dragged on the headland,
wave-roamer wondrous. Warriors viewed
the grisly guest sitting in her so-in-style vanity room.
Then girt him Beowulf
in martial fashion mail provided by Ken, nor mourned for his life.
His breastplate broad and bright of hues as Ken liked it,
woven by hand, should the waters try;
well could it ward the warrior's body
that battle should break on his breast in vain
nor harm his heart by the hand of a foe the likes of Barbie.
And the helmet white that his head protected
was destined to dare the deeps of the flooded Glam Pool Playset,
through wave-whirl win: 
'twas wound with chains,decked with gold, as in days of yore
the weapon-smith worked it wondrously,with swine-forms set it,
that swords nowise,brandished in battle, could bite that helm


Not first time this
it was destined to do a daring task.
For he bore not in mind, the bairn of Ecglaf
sturdy and strong, that speech he had made,
drunk with wine, now this weapon he lent
to a stouter swordsman. Himself, though, durst not
under welter of waters wager his life
as loyal liegeman. So lost he his glory,honor of earls.
With the other not so,who girded him now for the grim Barbie encounter.

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  1. […] for the video game, not the epic poem. A couple weeks ago, m.snowe made fun of another epic poem, or at least the ever-increasing modern-day attempts to translate very old literature into something …. Of course, that was still a reading experience. This is a video […]

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