Msnowe's Blog

Holy Cow TB

Posted in Uncategorized by m.snowe on December 1, 2009

Today’s NYTimes ran this hard-hitting piece on the possible actual cause of death of Jane Austen. They say, she died of bovine tuberculosis. Well, m.snowe’s sleuthy, crack team of reporters, necrophiliacs, morticians and paparazzi have also given her the scoop on other inaccurate author deaths–of writers who previously were believed to have died of TB, but instead met their demise in some other ways. She shouldn’t share these, as they are shocking and perverse, but aw, heck.

Feel free to chime in with anything your own crack teams have dug up…pun intended.

Honoré de Balzac — asphyxiated in a large cup of cold coffee after falling asleep on his desk.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning — Died from internal injuries caused by a corset erroneously manufactured with baby seal bones instead of whale bones.

Franz Kafka — Trampled to death by a stampede of Edward-obsessed Twilight Moms.

John Keats — Botched Botox injection.

D. H. Lawrence — Severe infection from nipple piercing.

George Orwell — Gored by Christmas dingoes.

Sir Walter Scott — Static flash fire started by candy cigarette.

Henry David Thoreau — Hand grenade bocce ball game gone wrong.

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  1. fictionadvocate said, on December 2, 2009 at 9:25 am

    Nice. Here’s how some living authors are probably going to die.

    Tao Lin – malnutrition

    Dave Eggers – speared by tribesmen at a literary reading in the jungle

    Toni Morrison – chokes on her enormous salt-and-pepper dreadlocks

    Philip Roth – explosive heart attack while having sex

    Nicholas Sparks – abduction, torture, beheading

    Joan Didion – she lives forever

  2. msnowe said, on December 3, 2009 at 5:58 am

    Nick Sparks’ death is divine retribution–I feel like I’m being abducted, tortured, and beheaded whenever I’m forced to watch any portion of a movie adapted from one of his books.

  3. Danielle said, on December 4, 2009 at 9:43 am

    Junot Diaz — magic missile

  4. […] when m.snowe talked about the speculation over Jane Austen’s death? Well, apparently, these folks at the NYTimes are much more interested in learning about a female […]

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